Jasper's Emotioal Battles & Other Stories
by Little Orange Frog
Summary: so Jasper has a lot of emotional breakdowns, right? Because of the whole "manipulate people's emotions" thing. He is also called a pansy sometimes right? Well this is a tribute to Jasper.
1. Jasper & the Cookies

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the right to subtly torture fictional characters. –smiles evilly-**

**JPOV**

I looked at the clock. Alice would be here to pick me up in ten minutes. She had insisted I start seeing a shrink after I

collapsed emotionally and threatened to blow up Emmett's jeep a few weeks ago.

"How do you feel about your adopted brother's relationship with your sister?" the shrink asked, tilting his head to the side.

"I don't see the relevance in that question," I answered noncommittally. He quickly scribbled something down on the pad

that sat on his desk. The light bounced of his shiny bald head and cast a reflection on the wall.

"Do you resent the relationship your sister has with him?" he asked, his eyes scrunching up, scrutinizing my every breath.

Wouldn't it be funny if I stopped breathing?

"It wouldn't matter if my sister were dating you. She can do what she wants." I replied. His eyes scrunched up even more.

Was it possible for his eyebrows to get any closer together? No, probably not.

"I think you are subconsciously repressing your adopted brother because of you resent him for dating your sister." Had he

not heard what I had just said? Rosalie was not the problem. Emmett calling me a pansy was the problem. Emmett painting

my motorcycle orange was the problem. Emmett forcing me to sing Christmas carols in June was the problem. But was I

gonna tell the shrink that? Nope. If he couldn't figure it out himself, then he didn't need to know. I kept my face carefully

blank.

"I don't resent him for dating my sister." I said slowly, as if I were speaking to a small child. "Nor do I resent my sister for

dating him. It has nothing to do with their relationship." I tried to hide my smile as his eyebrows did in fact scrunch up closer

together. If only Edward were here to tell me what he was thinking.

"What then, do you think is the problem Mr. Hale?" He always ended our session with the same question. And just like the

first session, I didn't give him an answer. I just stared at him blankly until the clock chimed ten o'clock and I heard Alice beep

the Porsche's horn in the parking lot below.

"Good bye, Dr. Dull. See you next week." I smiled and stood to go.

"Good bye, Mr. Hale. Think on my question." I nodded and headed out the door. I hated Dr. Dull and the whole institution

that he stood for. Corner people in a well lit room and pretend to be there friend, and then torture them with meaningless

questions till they spill their guts. Awful. Absolutely awful. Alice greeted me cheerfully, her tiny elfin face full of happiness.

"Guess what?" she asked as I climbed into the car.

"What Alice?"

"You have to guess!" she cried, feigning horror.

"Um, did the EBay network crash?" I asked smiling.

"No! We are going shopping! Prada just released their new line of hair bands. Isn't that wonderful! Yay!" Her eyes were all

alight as she spoke.

"Yes, that's wonderful." I replied. How could I say anything else?

"Yay! We can go tomorrow at like five o'clock when the store opens! Yay!" her enthusiasm was hard to resist. "So, how was

your session with Dr. Dull?" she asked brightly.

"Fun, so much fun." I answered sarcastically. She rolled her eyes at my tone. "I don't even see why I have to go to the

stupid shrink."

"Physiologists are not stupid. They help people."

"Yeah, people with problems."

"I'd say that you, as a pyromaniac, have problems."

"I am not a pyromaniac!"

"You wanted to blow up Emmett's jeep!"

"That does not make me a pyromaniac!" I protested frostily. "Edward likes to break things and you don't see him at a

shrink's office. Rosalie is obsessed with hairdryers to the point that it's unhealthy. Is she seeing a shrink? And Bella. Bella

has decided to marry a vampire so he will turn her. If anybody ought to be seeing a shrink, it's her."

"Do not bring Bella into this. Your can't deny that you have emotional breakdowns more often than not."

"Of course I have emotional breakdowns! Not only do I have to deal with my own emotions, but I have to deal with

everyone else's. How do you think I feel when I'm around Bella while she's PMSing? Huh?"

"Don't have a tizzy fit, please." She said softly. "This is because of the song isn't it?" I nodded once. The song is what had

pushed me over the edge. The tea party threats I could handle. The constant stalking I could handle. But when Emmett sang

the song, it was too much. We got out of the Porsche and walked toward the house. Emmett was sitting on the couch when

we walked in. He looked up and smiled wickedly.

"So, how was your visit with the shrink, Jazzy?" He asked teasingly. "Did he give you any tips on how NOT to be a

pyromaniac?"

"He is a physiologist, Emmett. Not a 'shrink'." Alice replied calmly.

"I'm not a pyromaniac!" I shrieked at the same time.

"So, did you tell him that you like to play tea party?" he teased.

"No, I didn't tell him anything. Except that I don't care if you're dating my 'sister'." Alice whirled around and smacked me on

the arm.

"You told me you would talk to him!" she screeched. I grinned sheepishly and she stormed out of the room.

"So now that we're alone," he said motioning for me to sit on the couch next to him. "We can sing your favorite song…"

"No! Please no! Emmett I am begging you!" I cried.

"The itsy-bitsy-vampire hunted down the elk.

Down came the fangs and the blood spewed out.

Out came the sun and he sparkled like a gem,

So the itsy-bitsy-vampire went out to hunt again!"

I covered my ears and hissed. Then, Emmett tackled me, pinning me to the ground. We crashed into the wall, knocking

Esme's new painting to the ground where it was abruptly crushed. Alice snatched up Emmett's arm before we broke

anything else and pushed him towards the couch.

"Sit down now." She yelled. She was scary when she wanted to be. "Jasper, get up. Now both of you are gonna fix Esme's

oil painting before she gets home."

"Where is Esme?" I asked, stalling.

"She is at one of those interior decorating classes again. I'll get the super glue, you two apologize." We both gasped in

horror at her. How could she possibly ask us to apologize?

"Oooooooooo!" Emmett said pointing at her. "You said the 'A' word! Oooooooo! I'm telling Esme as soon as she gets home!

Oooooooo!" Alice shook her head.

"Please stop with the dramatics. I'm going to find some glue so you guys can fix that," she said gesturing to the crushed

canvas.

"But I didn't do anything! Why do I have to apologize?" I asked bewildered as she walked out of the room.

"Oooooooooo!" Emmett cried again. For the next two hours me and Emmett played jigsaw puzzle and tried to fix the

painting. When Esme got home her jaw fell open and her eyes bugged out of her head.

"Who did this?" she screamed. Emmett laughed.

"It was the pyromaniac. We took it away from him before he could torch it."

"That is NOT what happened. Emmett sang the song!" I whined. Alice was no where to be seen.

"So you're telling me," Esme began. "That Emmett sang The Song, so you decided to torch my new oil painting?" she put air

quotations around the word torch. "Which resulted in it looking like this? This monstrosity that is now glued to my wall?"

Emmett suppressed another laugh as I glowered at him. Then Bella walked through the door with Edward. She stopped as

soon as she saw the "monstrosity" on the wall.

"What is _that_?" she asked tilting her head to the side as she examined our make-shift jigsaw puzzle.

"I believe that used to be Esme's painting before these two killed it." Edward replied smiling. "You know Jasper, if you had

wanted to torch the painting, then you could of just struck a match to it, instead of ripping it to shreds." Bella was giggling

now.

"Why is it my fault? I am being forced to see a shrink. And I am NOT a pyromaniac! Doesn't anybody care about me?" I

screamed as I flew up the stairs. I ran into my closet and slammed the door. As I sat in the far corner at the back of my

closet a plan began to formulate in my mind. I smiled as I stifled another tearless sob.

XXXXXXX

"Jasper? Jasper?" I could hear Alice calling me from the hallway. She sounded upset. "Jasper, come out of your room we

need to talk." I suppressed a giggle. "I saw you throw away that blue pair of shoes you got for Christmas last year. Do you

have any idea how much those cost? Now open the door!" She sounded annoyed. Good. I had spent the last two days

redecorating my room while everyone else was away on a hunting trip. Alice threw the door open and her jaw dropped to

the floor. She quickly reassembled her expression as she gazed about her.

"I saw something like this in a vision Jasper, but _why_?" she looked mortified. As she should. I smiled. Her eyes flitted from

the black carpet to the black drapes to the poster with skulls that now resided on my wall. She gasped as she took in the

outfit I was wearing. Black converses covered my feet, and I wore tight, black jeans and a black shirt with a creepy skull

face on it. Alice just shook her head as I started to giggle. She rushed out the room, down the hall screaming Emmett's

name. I could picture her eye twitching as I heard her yell at Emmett and Edward.

"You two better go knock some sense into that boy, before I do it myself! He thinks he's some kinda freaky emo child!" the

volume of her voice increased as she ranted.

(not that there is anything wrong with being emo/goth. It just does not fit Jasper's personality.)

"Edward, tell me what he's thinking! Is he like brain-dead? What happened to Jasper? Emmett if this is your idea of a sick

joke…." She trailed off, as my two brothers looked at my newly decorated room with uncertain shock. Emmett started

laughing, of course, but Edward just stood there taking it all in. He shook his head as Alice had and looked at me like I was

going insane. I started to giggle as I threw a wave of panic at them.

"Alice," he said calmly. "I think you need to call the shrink…and Esme. Maybe she can help."

"How did you not see this coming Alice?" Emmett asked as his panicky emotions were replaced by grief. Playing with their emotions was fun.

"I saw it, but I didn't recognize it as Jasper's room." Her voice was morose as she too was sucked into my game of emotional

tag.

"Jasper, stop playing with our emotions." Edward snapped his voice full of uncertainty. They all looked uncertain now. I

smiled innocently.

"Do you like my new shoes?" I asked.

"Your pants look about three sizes too small." Rosalie commented as she stopped in front of my door. Her eyes absorbed my

room for a second as she fidgeted nervously. They were all shuffling their feet and twisting their hands now.

"You guys seem nervous," I said tilting my head to the side ever so slightly.

"It's kinda weird how you keep analyzing our conversation in your head." Edward said laughing cautiously. His eyes darted

about the room like a caged animal. This was going better than I had hoped. I smiled wickedly as I stood up. I'm going to

the mall to pick up some hair gel. I want to spike my hair up." I said calmly as I walked out of the room.

"ESME!" Alice yelled suddenly. Both Carlisle and Esme appeared almost simultaneously with worried expressions on their

faces.

"If this is another 'EBay Crisis'-" Esme started, but she cut off as she reassessed the situation.

"What happened?" Carlisle asked edgily. Rosalie looked annoyed so I sent pulses of insecurity towards her.

"I decided that I'm now in alliance with the dark side." I stated as I inched towards the door.

Everyone was staring at me.

"They have cookies on the Dark Side!" I screamed as I raced out of the house. "I did it for the cookies!"

_  
Edward turned toward Alice then, looking confused. "He can't eat cookies." He said, his eyebrows knitted together._

**Hi! I had lots of fun writing this. So please press the pretty purple-grayish button and send me a review please! If you**

**have any suggestions, I could use some. **

**Bye!**

**;)**


	2. Jasper & the Cookies continued

**Disclaimer: I own nothing associated with Twilight, except the right to subtly torture fictional characters. **

**–laughs evilly-**

**JPOV**

"I hope you understand that we are really worried about Jasper." Esme's voice was stern and her lips were pressed

together in a hard line. "Do you enjoy your brother's and sister's pain? Do you think you need to see a different therapist,

Jasper? Jasper, are you even listening to me?" I looked up. Esme had grown impatient and annoyance lit up her face. I

looked back to the television.

"I don't need to see another shrink. I don't like the shrink I'm seeing now." I said glaring at the floor. She sighed.

Emmett's booming voice resounded from the kitchen. "When you say 'I'm seeing a shrink' it sounds like you are dating him."

He laughed to himself as I glowered in the general direction his voice had come from.

"Emmett, you are NOT helping!" Esme marched into the kitchen. "You go to your room this instant or I will not let you go to

the Beanie Babies Sing Along musical. And apologize to Jasper on your way through."

"Ooooooo!" I heard him screech. "I can't believe you said the 'A' word! What is this twisted world coming to?" Esme just

shook her head and pointed towards me. He turned toward me with exaggerated slowness.

"I'm sorry Jasper. I shouldn't have said that." His eyes got all wide and innocent. "After all, I did promise I wouldn't tell

anyone, namely Alice!" His too-innocent apology quickly turned to raucous laughter as he ran up the stairs at vampire speed.

"He did apologize," Rosalie offered. "You didn't specify what he was supposed to apologize for." The evil-minded blond was

clearly amused, so I sent a wave of uneasiness through her and started to laugh when she looked around the kitchen like a

shadow was gonna get her. Esme sighed.

"If you insist on being a lost cause, I suppose there isn't much I can do is there." She exited the kitchen through the back

door, out to her garden.

"You are such a pansy," Rosalie sneered. "Wow, you can manipulate people's emotions and discourage your mother-figure

from talking to you. Would you like a round of applause?" I sent another wave of uneasiness before answering.

"What's wrong? Are you jealous that your only talent is acting like a stupid werewolf?" I asked smiling.

"That was mean." Edward said as he came down the stairs. "Alice told me she wants to see you ASAP." He headed out the

front door and got into this Volvo. Uh-oh. Why did Alice want to see me? I bit my lip deciding whether or not I should be

worried. Rosalie just snickered as she went back to applying a thick layer of orange lipstick to her mouth. I rose slowly and

walked, at human speed, up the winding stair case. Alice was sitting on my bed, holding my Elmo doll in her lap. I had

pierced Elmo's ear so he would match my room better. Alice didn't look up as I came in, she just sat there holding my doll,

err, action figure. I started to fidget slightly.

"Jasper, do you hate me?" she asked, not looking up to meet my gaze.

"Of course not," I replied.

"Then why are you doing this, Jasper? Your favorite color is blue, not black. And look what you've done to your doll."

"It's an action figure." I muttered quietly. She looked up then; there was nothing but worry in her pretty butterscotch eyes.

"Why are you acting so mean?" her eyes swept my room, before resting on my Elmo doll, err, action figure again. I sat down

on the edge of the bed beside her.

"I, um…I'm not really sure." She didn't lift her eyes as she took in my response.

"I only sent you to see the psychiatrist so that you would be happier. Not to give you another excuse to act all emo and

depressed."

(as earlier stated there is nothing wrong with being emo or depressed. It just doesn't match Jasper's personality.)

"People think I'm a pansy Alice." It was harder to say than I would have thought. I choked back tearless sobs and buried my

face in my hands. Alice held me in her arms and rocked me back and forth for a while.

"Why do they call you a pansy Jasper?" she asked after a while.

"Because I am."

"Are you sure?" the sound of her voice was soothing as I wondered at her question. When I didn't answer she continued.

"Can Mike Newton lift a van, or kill a tracker? Can Eric Yorkie or that guy that used to hit on me in third period English

manipulate people's emotions like you can?" her questions made sense I guess. I looked up suddenly.

"What guy that used to hit on you in third period English?" I scrutinized her reaction. She laughed her silver bell laugh and

stood up.

"Jasper, if you wan to beat someone up, I'm sure Edward would love for you to beat up Mike." She smiled. "Now can you

please give up your emo attitude and go back to being Jasper? Please? I really want to go shopping and now I can redo

your wardrobe again!" Her eyes lit up and I was suddenly afraid. All I could do was nod dumbly and let her drag me out the

door to her yellow Porsche.

**So, this chapter was shorter, and more sentimental in my opinion, but I hope you liked it any way. **

**No please push the pretty purpley-grayish button, or I'll have to call Emmett and tell him to body-slam you. **

**Actually, I wouldn't do that because I love you all! So show me that you love my story by pushing the button, ok?**

**:)**


	3. Jazz & the Mall Trauma

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the right to subtly manipulate and torture the fictional characters that belong to Mrs

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the right to subtly manipulate and torture the fictional characters that belong to Mrs. Meyer. –smiles evilly-**

So here I was yet again watching the minutes tick by uselessly as I was interrogated in Dr. Dull's office. The light bouncing of the yellow walls cast a strange reflection on the desk he sat at. His hand scribbled furiously as I reluctantly gave vague descriptions of my life.

"Do you feel like your sister is too good for Emmett?" his nasal voice pulled me from my reverie.

"No." I said a blank look on my face. In 5 minutes Alice would be here to rescue me and I would be free from his scrutinizing stare.

"Do you feel that your sister isn't good enough for Emmett?" His prying eyes tried to decipher my tone as I spoke.

"No."

"How do you feel about them being together, exactly?"

"My sister can do as she pleases." I answered frostily, growing impatient with his questions. "I don't care who she is involved with."

"Do you think that that may be part of the problem? That you don't care?" I rolled my eyes.

"If I don't care how, is that part of the problem?"

"Well, maybe Emmett is picking up on the fact that you don't approve of him." I took a deep breath wishing I hadn't said anything.

"I do approve of Emmett. He is like my brother." I replied curtly. He nodded his head and went back to scribbling on his pad.

"What then, do you think is the problem Mr. Hale?" I just sat and stared at his expectant face until I hear Alice blow the horn of the Porsche. I got up and walked quietly to the door.

"Goodbye Mr. Dull." Maybe if I was nice Alice wouldn't make me come back.

"Goodbye Mr. Hale. Please consider my questions." Yeah, right. Alice was waiting or me as I climbed into the passengers' seat. She smiled and I was suddenly suspicious. She didn't say anything as we pulled away from the building. She seemed almost smug as she drove in silence.

"We are going to the mall now." She finally said in her musical voice. I nodded and watched her cautiously. I wondered idly which designer had come out with a new line of clothes. Then I realized what Alice was wearing. It looked too formal for a shopping spree and I was suddenly nervous. Which made her nervous. She sighed impatiently.

"Jasper there is no reason to be nervous. Don't you trust me?" I just nodded as we got out of the car. Once we were inside Alice drifted to the back of the food court where several tables were set up.

"Jasper, I know you don't like visiting Dr. Dull, so I found you an alternative." She smiled wholeheartedly. I smiled in return and looked toward the tables she had led me too. I gasped as I read the huge banner that hung on the wall.

"Tap dance lessons?" My eyes got wide with horror.

"Yes. Dancing is a good way to relieve stress and you can dance to Jazz music." Her enthusiasm was catching but I couldn't bring myself to be happy.

"What's wrong Jasper?" she asked narrowing her eyes. "You don't think that tap dancing is girly do you? Because I_ know_ that you are not that close-minded." I gulped and tried to force a smile on my face.

"You know," she continued. "You'll just have to go see Dr. Dull again next week if you don't want to take dance lessons." I nodded then. Anything would be better than enduring another cross-examination in the shrink's office. She picked up an application from the table, and taking the pen from her purse, quickly filled it out. I sighed as she handed it to the freckled woman with orange hair. The woman smiled warmly and Alice smiled back. When I didn't smile she jabbed in the ribs. Hard. I winced, but smiled sarcastically before I was rushed into Bathe & Body. Alice wanted to pick up some more cosmetics for her sleepovers with Bella, so I waited patiently by the bubble bathe display and tried to imagine myself tap dancing. I turned around abruptly as Jessica Stanley walked by. She was with a younger girl, probably her sister or cousin.

"Who's that?" the younger girl whispered throwing a pointed glance at me as I pretended not to notice. There was a strange look in her eyes and she started to drool.

"That's Jasper Hale. He lives with the Cullen's. But don't get your hopes up. He doesn't talk and some people say he's a pansy." Jessica whispered back, matter-of-factly. I scowled at the floor as they passed and tried to think of a word that was horrible enough to describe Jessica. I decided there isn't one. Alice was back then, bags and bags of shower gel, face cream, hand cream, foot cream in 12 different scents, lip gloss in 30 different shades, a cute pair of blue bedroom slippers, a bottle of metallic blue toe-nail polish, and who knows what else. I helped her carry them to the parking lot and load them into the backseat of the car.

"Oh! I forgot to pick up that Chanel tote I wanted. Do you mind coming with me?" I just nodded as she led the way back into the mall.

"I was thinking about this new aroma therapy thing I wanted you to try." She looked at me questionably as a cheerleader walked by.

"Like totally." I said smiling. Her eyebrows scrunched together but she kept walking.

"And I was thinking that I could pick up another pair of heels while we're here?" As she was speaking we passed a little boy who had his hat pulled down sideways over his eyes. His pants were sagging and a huge medallion was strung on his neck.

"Yo, Alice, how long you gonna be?" She tilted her head to the side, taking in my mood. I smiled apologetically. What was wrong with me?

"And we can pick Bella up come ice-cream for later…." She trailed off as we entered the store. I nodded, feeling depressed and spacey. A girl dressed in tight black pants walked by. Her eyeliner was heavy and she glared at everyone she saw. Alice caught me glaring at her and smacked me in the back of the head.

"Get a hold of your emotions Jasper," She spoke at vampire speed and I cast my eyes down at the floor.

"Alice, I knew you would be here! I mean, we just released that new line of Prada Scarves and I just knew you would be here!" the cashier was bouncing up and down beside Alice.

"Oh! I almost forgot about that! You know I came here for the new Chanel tote, but I'd be happy to look at the new line." Alice turned toward me and raised her eyebrows suspiciously. I realized I had been bouncing up and down and clapping my hands quietly. I stopped abruptly.

"I'll be done here in a minute. Why don't you go get Bella some ice-cream?" I smiled and walked off. As I neared the food court another cheerleader walked by.

"Hi, my name is Ansley. Do you, like, come here often?" She started batting her eyelashes and I freaked. I couldn't help it. Waves of fear rolled off me and began to affect every one within fifty feet of me. The poor girl was backing away and then Alice was there. She snatched up my elbow and yanked me through the now-skittish crowd. Once she had dragged me to the car she whirled around and smacked me in the head.

"What is wrong with you Jasper? I left you alone for exactly two and a half minutes. What happened?"

"That cheerleader girl tried to flirt with me." She put her hands over her eyes dramatically and leaned against the car.

"I should have known. Jasper, did she have fangs or claws?" I shook my head no. "Then why did you have to upset the whole mall?"

"Because she scared me."

"Get in the car Jasper," she commanded as she opened the door for me. She got into the drivers' seat and we sped off down the road.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked after a while of uncomfortable silence.

"No, Jasper. But do you see the importance of your sessions with Dr. Dull now?" she worked to make her voice sound kind. I sent a wave of calmness to her and she smiled apologetically.

"No, I don't like the shrink." She pursed her lips and glared at my response.

"Are you going to freak out in dance class next week?" I looked out the window. "Jasper, I'm going to come with you to your class incase you get all panicky." I just nodded as we pulled into the garage at home.

Emmett was sitting on the couch as we came into the house. He was looking at the television screen, but it was off. As Alice raced up stairs I went to sit by him; his emotions were carefully neutral as I waved my hand in his face. All of a sudden he jumped up and a devious smile spread across his face.

"Up for some Jazz, Jazzy?" he screamed before prancing off to find Rosalie. I shook my head and considered for a moment whether or not it was worth it to chase after him and rip him limb from limb. I decided it was and took off up the stairs. As I crept down the hall, hiding in the shadows, I heard a crash resound in my room. I neared the door and saw to my horror that he was holding Judy.

"NOOOOO!" I shrieked as I dove for the computer. "Not Judy! She's my life line to the real world! If you take away my life line and one true love I'll die!" He started laughing and I turned around to see Alice standing in the door way. I smiled sheepishly and inched towards the closet. Alice was faster and I found my self flying through the wall. I ended up in Carlisle's office where he was typing something on his computer.

"Jasper," he addressed me calmly as though crashing through his wall was an everyday thing. Oh wait, it was. "Care to join me?" he asked motioning towards the chair on the other side of the room. I nodded and stood, making my way towards the little chair. He smiled and continued typing, waiting for an explanation.

"Emmett was going to destroy my computer, 'cause I want to kill him, 'cause he provoked me, so I was pleading that he would spare Judy…I mean my laptop, and Alice heard what I said and shoved me into the wall 'cause I tried to escape." Carlisle nodded understandably.

"The money for the repairs on Esme's house will need to be deducted from your allowance." He said. I smiled and went back to my room. Alice was going through my emails and hacking into my personal files when I walked in.

"Where's Emmett?" I asked non-chalantley. She didn't look up as she replied.

"He went away screaming 'my spork thinks he's batman'." She kept her voice at the same easy level mine was. I sat on the bed beside her. She still didn't look up.

"Jasper, don't even think about it." She commanded suddenly.

"I didn't do anything!"

"You were gonna manipulate my emotions so I would forgive. I'm a physcic, remember?" I smiled sheepishly at that.

"So you're not gonna lecture me then?" a devious smile lit up her sullen pixie-like face.

"Of course I'm gonna lecture you, Jasper. Now you should know after all this time that I, Alice, am your ONE and ONLY love. You should see the important role I play in your life; as a friend, an advisor, a fashion consultant, and as a wife. You should value me more Jasper." She began pacing around the room, waving her arms around her head wildly. "If you can't see the vitality of our relationship opposed to that of a computer…."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Five hours later…_

"…so therefore your computer should mean little in the face of your wife, your friend, your advisor, your fashion consultant, and your ONE and ONLY love, and I feel like I have failed at my significant purpose of trying to be your wife, your friend, your advisor, your fashion consultant, and your ONE and ONLY love. If you loved me at all then you should not have named your computer _Judy_. For all I know Judy could be the name of a demented Fan-girl that won't stop following you around, so you named your second most prized possession after her!" she paused then for dramatic affect. I raised my hand slowly; she rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Is there something you'd like to say Jasper?"

"Yes, um, you said my computer is my_ second_ most prized possession? If Judy… I mean my laptop is my second most prized possession, then what's my first?"

"JASPER! HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING AT ALL? I AM YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESION, not that you own me….BUT IF YOU NAME ANYTHING JUDY, IT WOULD BE ME!"

"You could be Janet?" I offered. She sighed again and marched out of the room. I heard her call Emmett and then they were both back in the room almost instantly. "Emmett, explain to Jasper why he isn't allowed to call his laptop _Judy_." She sneered the word Judy as she folded her arms over her chest.

"Well, um," Emmett began. "Because she'll cheat on you with a werewolf if you do." She smacked him in the back of the head and frowned.

"Emmett, I'm serious." Great, she was agitated. "Now tell him why he doesn't need to call his computer that, and Jasper, do not try to calm me down." I bowed my head and waited for Emmett's response.

"Well, dude, chicks get mad when you call your stuff names of other girls' 'cause then they think you don't like their name." he shrugged his shoulders and Alice nodded. I stored that away for future reference and smiled.

"Okay, go it. But Emmett, how do you know that?" his smile became wicked.

"I had a mafia of potatoes named after the fan-girls that I threw at Rose."

"You threw potatoes at Rosalie?"

"Yep, about a month ago, then I force-fed them to Bella." He smiled again and left the room. Alice followed shortly after and I lay back on the bed. Even after so many years together, I still didn't totally get her. One thing was for sure….her lectures were boring and repetitive. Of course, I wasn't gonna tell her that.

**So there's a nice long chapter for you. I hope you liked it. I have BIG plans for the next chapter….MWHAHAHAHAHAHA….um…**

**  
Anyway, I'm asking for 4 reviews. Just 4 and I'll give an imaginary hug.**

(no, not really, but I would like to get 4 reviews)

**  
;)**


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